I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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