I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
