You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
