I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
