ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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