first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
