Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
