while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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