Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
