if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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