There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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