I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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