I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize