Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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