with your own penis?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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