This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
