All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
