My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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