We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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