Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Houston, we have a squirter
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
