he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
