i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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