We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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