I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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