i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
