giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
