woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The uberlube is also flammable
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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