I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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