Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize