I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
