I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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