She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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