just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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