Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
