can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
