I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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