just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
