Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize