everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
