even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
