At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
