I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
