I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
