dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
