Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
