well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
