My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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