3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I need a beard to bite.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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