someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
