I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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