I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
