New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
