There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
