I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
