can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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