I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize