I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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