im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
