Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize