Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
