Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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